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| I'm what you call a passive individual. I don't like confrontation and I stay out of trouble's way. It's perhaps my upbringing...you know that "don't rock the boat, stay quiet, hard work" mantra that many Asians have. I'd say I'm the poster child for that. I could see the advantages of such a philosophy, but I could equally see its faults.
Take basketball for instance. I'm 6 foot, 200 something pounds, but I play with no aggression. When I take on people my height, I take mid-range jump shots when I'm open and I fade away when I post up ala Hakeem Olajuwon despite my unfair weight advantage. Friends tell me I should power it up and I know I could. I even imagine how I could bully my way towards the basket. But when I get on the court and the game goes so fast that I have to rely on instincts rather than on my premeditated plan, I shy away like a cat, preferring a finesse game in hopes that I won't get hurt.
This is the metaphor for how I approach life. I shy away at those rare opportunities when I know I can do my very best. I crumble when a constituent starts yelling at me for supporting affordable housing in their neighborhood. I hide under a rock when a professor changes my work for her/his own benefit. I get tongue-tied during presentations where I know people might not agree with my beliefs. Ultimately, I become everyone's doormat.
"It's not about how hard you can hit, but how much you can take the hits," said Sylvester Stallone in his last rendition of the Italian Stallion. I now realize that I need to get hit more.
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| About a month into this summer, I find myself busier than my Seattle alter-ego. We just moved in to my parents' first house (bought for $54K in 1976), which is down the street from my parents' current residence. Think "Everybody Loves Raymond" or the end of "My Big Fat Greek Wedding." It's a great mess...not lived in for a couple of years. Slowly, I have tended the backyard, fixed faucets, and other household maintenance. At the same time, I've kept to my goal of 3 books a week, albeit at an "exam preparation"-like pace. I've also been the resident door to door salesman for FilAmARTS's Festival of Philippine Arts and Culture (FPAC). I've finally made my weird Filipino business mental map obsession profitable! When I do have some time, I'm losing my weight-loss competition with my batchoy friends by patronizing the latest foodie hot spot with other friends.
I cook, I clean, I work, and I study. Half-student worker, half-house husband. This summer has been tough...but it's all worth it to be with my Gerlie.
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| This is going to sound cheesy, and I'm pretty much going to ramble, but here is my attempt at self-therapy. Usually, you go to someone else for therapy, but I don't have that kind of money, so Xanga, you are my Sigmund Freud.
The other day, I watched a couple episodes of The Wonder Years (you know, the show about Kevin Arnold during his formative years living in American suburbia) on Justin.tv, my portal to Laker games. The obsessive self that I am, I immediately searched youtube for more episodes. Of course, this show brought back many memories of my childhood and teenagehood. See, I lived in the Valley (where the show was filmed). My childhood very much started like Kevin's. I was a middle-class American Joe...or so I thought at the time. I had friends from different cultural backgrounds in the neighborhood that I played with and didn't really have a care in the world aside from middle-class childhood angst.
This all changed, however, in February 18, 1989, when my parents moved our family to Calabasas, an upper-class city in the exurbs of LA. If you google Calabasas, you conjure up headlines of Jessica Simpson, Ricky Schroeder, and the Menendez brothers. I was suddenly the only brown face in a sea of white. Kids asked me why I had such a flat face and many didn't even know what a Filipino was. Needless to say, I discovered my own otherness there. The friends I did make, ended up being in all the honor classes, so I basically had to fend for myself in the "regular" classes. I really wasn't bullied, but I definitely wasn't in the in-crowd. Perhaps more importantly, I realized I couldn't get everything I wanted. I discovered that my parents fell into the trap of an imperial game of consumerism and status-seeking that we had no means of playing. So, going to school with a bunch of spoiled rich kids who had the latest Air Jordans, while you wore $20 Converses, really humbles you.
So why bring this up? As I watched more episodes of The Wonder Years, I became increasingly depressed. See, I tend to become depressed or melancholy when I watch television. It becomes a self-deprecating thing for me. I usually feel inadequate afterwards...not thin enough, not young enough, not white enough. And I think this particular show made me yearn for my innocent youth...or rather an innocent youth I really never had. I could have never moved to Calabasas and lived a full life of middle-class anonymity. However, I wouldn't have learned of actual inequities that sustain this middle-clas life. I wouldn't have discovered my imagined "Filipino" identity. Most of all, I wouldn't have discovered my passion for justice and education.
But I can't lie. There are many times, such as these, where I find myself yearning for a more simpler life. And during these times, I wish I could just take the "blue pill" and live a life of ignorant bliss. In the past, I simply shut off anything that conjures up nostalgia. But for my own sanity, I need to face this problem head on. It's just that I don't know how.
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| 1. YOUR SPY NAME (middle name and current street name):
Arthur Phinney. (Sounds like an Irish playwright. Also, I thought those were the rules for your porn name).
2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME (grandfather/grandmother on your mom's side and your favorite candy):
Artemio Reeses (Ah yes....show.)
3. YOUR RAP NAME (first initial of first name and first three or four letters of your last name):
J. Bern (Hey...that sounds real!)
4. YOUR GAMER TAG (a favorite color, a favorite animal)
Blue Tiger (What's a gamer tag?)
5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME (middle name, and city you were born in):
Arthur Los Angeles (Now that sounds like a porn star!)
6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME (first three letters of your last name, last three letters of mother's maiden name, first three letters of pets name):
JositaN/A (What am I, cleaning the Millennium Falcon?)
7. JEDI NAME (middle name spelled backwards, your mom's maiden name spelled backwards)
ruhtra ognimod (Now that just sounds stupid.)
8. SUPERHERO NAME ("The", your favorite color and the automobile your dad drives):
The Blue Civic (Look out! It's the sad philanthropist to the rescue!)
9. YOUR ACTION HERO ALIAS: (first name of the main character in the last film you watched, last food you ate):
Benjamin Tilapia (The man who loves "peace" (fish in a Pinoy accent))
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| I finally took the plunge. Enjoy the video in all its cornyness...
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