Valleypinoy's Xanga

BE...AGGRESSIVE...BE BE AGGRESSIVE

Wed, 05 Aug 2009 18:59:29 GMT

I'm what you call a passive individual. I don't like confrontation and I stay out of trouble's way. It's perhaps my upbringing...you know that "don't rock the boat, stay quiet, hard work" mantra that many Asians have. I'd say I'm the poster child for that. I could see the advantages of such a philosophy, but I could equally see its faults.

Take basketball for instance. I'm 6 foot, 200 something pounds, but I play with no aggression. When I take on people my height, I take mid-range jump shots when I'm open and I fade away when I post up ala Hakeem Olajuwon despite my unfair weight advantage. Friends tell me I should power it up and I know I could. I even imagine how I could bully my way towards the basket. But when I get on the court and the game goes so fast that I have to rely on instincts rather than on my premeditated plan, I shy away like a cat, preferring a finesse game in hopes that I won't get hurt.

This is the metaphor for how I approach life. I shy away at those rare opportunities when I know I can do my very best. I crumble when a constituent starts yelling at me for supporting affordable housing in their neighborhood. I hide under a rock when a professor changes my work for her/his own benefit. I get tongue-tied during presentations where I know people might not agree with my beliefs. Ultimately, I become everyone's doormat.

"It's not about how hard you can hit, but how much you can take the hits," said Sylvester Stallone in his last rendition of the Italian Stallion. I now realize that I need to get hit more.

HOUSE HUSBAND

Thu, 16 Jul 2009 04:03:10 GMT

About a month into this summer, I find myself busier than my Seattle alter-ego. We just moved in to my parents' first house (bought for $54K in 1976), which is down the street from my parents' current residence. Think "Everybody Loves Raymond" or the end of "My Big Fat Greek Wedding." It's a great mess...not lived in for a couple of years. Slowly, I have tended the backyard, fixed faucets, and other household maintenance. At the same time, I've kept to my goal of 3 books a week, albeit at an "exam preparation"-like pace. I've also been the resident door to door salesman for FilAmARTS's Festival of Philippine Arts and Culture (FPAC). I've finally made my weird Filipino business mental map obsession profitable! When I do have some time, I'm losing my weight-loss competition with my batchoy friends by patronizing the latest foodie hot spot with other friends.

I cook, I clean, I work, and I study. Half-student worker, half-house husband. This summer has been tough...but it's all worth it to be with my Gerlie.

WONDERING ABOUT NOSTALGIA

Tue, 03 Mar 2009 20:01:49 GMT

This is going to sound cheesy, and I'm pretty much going to ramble, but here is my attempt at self-therapy. Usually, you go to someone else for therapy, but I don't have that kind of money, so Xanga, you are my Sigmund Freud.

The other day, I watched a couple episodes of The Wonder Years (you know, the show about Kevin Arnold during his formative years living in American suburbia) on Justin.tv, my portal to Laker games. The obsessive self that I am, I immediately searched youtube for more episodes. Of course, this show brought back many memories of my childhood and teenagehood. See, I lived in the Valley (where the show was filmed). My childhood very much started like Kevin's. I was a middle-class American Joe...or so I thought at the time. I had friends from different cultural backgrounds in the neighborhood that I played with and didn't really have a care in the world aside from middle-class childhood angst.

This all changed, however, in February 18, 1989, when my parents moved our family to Calabasas, an upper-class city in the exurbs of LA. If you google Calabasas, you conjure up headlines of Jessica Simpson, Ricky Schroeder, and the Menendez brothers. I was suddenly the only brown face in a sea of white. Kids asked me why I had such a flat face and many didn't even know what a Filipino was. Needless to say, I discovered my own otherness there. The friends I did make, ended up being in all the honor classes, so I basically had to fend for myself in the "regular" classes. I really wasn't bullied, but I definitely wasn't in the in-crowd. Perhaps more importantly, I realized I couldn't get everything I wanted. I discovered that my parents fell into the trap of an imperial game of consumerism and status-seeking that we had no means of playing. So, going to school with a bunch of spoiled rich kids who had the latest Air Jordans, while you wore $20 Converses, really humbles you.

So why bring this up? As I watched more episodes of The Wonder Years, I became increasingly depressed. See, I tend to become depressed or melancholy when I watch television. It becomes a self-deprecating thing for me. I usually feel inadequate afterwards...not thin enough, not young enough, not white enough. And I think this particular show made me yearn for my innocent youth...or rather an innocent youth I really never had. I could have never moved to Calabasas and lived a full life of middle-class anonymity. However, I wouldn't have learned of actual inequities that sustain this middle-clas life. I wouldn't have discovered my imagined "Filipino" identity. Most of all, I wouldn't have discovered my passion for justice and education.

But I can't lie. There are many times, such as these, where I find myself yearning for a more simpler life. And during these times, I wish I could just take the "blue pill" and live a life of ignorant bliss. In the past, I simply shut off anything that conjures up nostalgia. But for my own sanity, I need to face this problem head on. It's just that I don't know how.

Alternative Names

Fri, 13 Feb 2009 16:05:23 GMT

1. YOUR SPY NAME (middle name and current street name):
Arthur Phinney. (Sounds like an Irish playwright. Also, I thought those were the rules for your porn name).

2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME (grandfather/grandmother on your mom's side and your favorite candy):
Artemio Reeses (Ah yes....show.)

3. YOUR RAP NAME (first initial of first name and first three or four letters of your last name):
J. Bern (Hey...that sounds real!)

4. YOUR GAMER TAG (a favorite color, a favorite animal)
Blue Tiger (What's a gamer tag?)

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME (middle name, and city you were born in):
Arthur Los Angeles (Now that sounds like a porn star!)

6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME (first three letters of your last name, last three letters of mother's maiden name, first three letters of pets name):
JositaN/A (What am I, cleaning the Millennium Falcon?)

7. JEDI NAME (middle name spelled backwards, your mom's maiden name spelled backwards)
ruhtra ognimod (Now that just sounds stupid.)

8. SUPERHERO NAME ("The", your favorite color and the automobile your dad drives):
The Blue Civic (Look out! It's the sad philanthropist to the rescue!)

9. YOUR ACTION HERO ALIAS: (first name of the main character in the last film you watched, last food you ate):
Benjamin Tilapia (The man who loves "peace" (fish in a Pinoy accent))

DEAD MAN WALKING

Sat, 27 Dec 2008 14:50:22 GMT

I finally took the plunge. Enjoy the video in all its cornyness...

A QUESTIONNAIRE I JACKED FROM REGAN

Sun, 21 Dec 2008 23:46:08 GMT

Are you anyone’s first love?
Yeah right.

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Christina Vasquez

Do you have to work today?
What's that?

Are you waiting for something?
For my food to pass.

How many people have you kissed in the past week?
Only my Gerlie.

What was the last thing you drank?
Blood Orange Soda from Trader Joe's

Who was the last person you hugged?
Ms. Collado

Did you have a dream last night?
Yes, but don't remember.

Who was the last person you texted?
Nate Mina.

If you could have something right now, what would it be?
End of suffering in the world.

Have you ever had a panic attack?
I think I did, but never been diagnosed.

Do you want someone back in your life?
My lola.

When was the last time you cried?
Don't remember. Probably the last funeral I attended.

Have you ever licked someone’s cheek?
Which cheek?

What is your favorite thing to eat with peanut butter?
Kare Kare

Do you have a best friend?
Not just one.

Do you prefer hot or cold weather?
The hottest summer day in the Valley is still too cold for me.

What is your favorite color?
Blue

If you could go back in time, how far back would you go?
I'd like to witness the Big Bang.

How do you feel when someone kisses you on the forehead?
Not as much as on the foreskin. LOL.

Are you dating the last person you kissed on the lips?
Unfortunately, yes. (Ow...that hurt, Gerlie!)

Have you ever broken someone’s heart?
Doubt it.

Has anyone ever told you they want to spend the rest of their life with you?
Yup.

Who was the last person you talked to in person?
My ball and chain.

Have you ever talked to someone when they were high?
Of course!

Do you talk about your feelings or hide them?
I wear my emotions on my sleeve.

Did you go to sleep smiling last night?
Nope...I slept with my mouth open and drooling.

Do you currently have a hickey?
Ewww...no.

Have you ever collapsed on the bathroom floor?
No...just near it though.

Are you afraid of falling in love?
I was.

Have you hurt anyone’s feelings in the last 5 days?
Nope.

Do you look like your mom?
I love her!

What was the last thing you bought?
Pork from Seafood City.

What song are you listening to?
Can You Feel It? by the Jackson 5

What are you doing after this?
Getting in the shower.

Where did you get the shirt you are wearing?
UCSB Bookstore

Who do you usually have late night phone conversations with?
Gerlie...and Noel when he gets off of work at midnight.

Do you like to cuddle?
That's when I feel safe.

Are any of your ex’s still in love with you?
Never had an ex.

Will your next kiss be a mistake?
Unless it's with a dude.

Would you consider yourself to be spoiled?
Yes, I am in America.

When is the last time you talked to your father?
Friday.

When was the last time you were disappointed?
Every time I think of my academic career.

What is your favorite kind of weather?
Sunny and hot.

Would you change yourself?
Sure, why not?

Do you like hugs?
AND kisses!

Are you a loud person?
No.

Are you wearing any jewelry?
No bling bling.

Are you wearing underwear right now?
I hope so.

What color is your tooth brush?
Orange and blue.

What would you rather be doing?
Answering a shorter questionnaire.

If someone paid you $100 would you dance in the middle of times square?
Only if it's the todo todo.

The current person you like, how long have you been interested in them?
6+ years

Remember the last person you kissed?
See answer above.

What’s the greatest thing that happened to you today?
I ate salad.

Does it take a lot to make you cry?
Not really.

Are you in a good mood?
Eh.

Does it annoy you when someone says they’ll call, but never do?
Not really. It's all about smooth interpersonal relationships.

Do you believe exes can be friends?
Don't really know.

Have you ever hated someone but then ended up liking them?
No. I don't really hate anyone.

If you could move somewhere else, would you?
Yes.

When is the last time you got really frustrated?
Every time I talk to Gerlie. (Ow...Gerlie! Not in the same spot!)

Do you miss your past?
At times.

Do you ever think ‘what if’ about anything?
Yes.

Are you happy with the way things are going?
Yeah. Can't complain.

In the past week have you cried?
Nope.

Today, would you rather go back a week or go forward a week?
Back. So I could have a longer break.

Last December how was your heart?
Been getting better ever since 2002.

When was the last time you went camping?
A while ago...in Santa Barbara with the Yolanda House roomies.

Do you have a reason to smile right now?
Been kind of a blah day.

Has anyone said they love you in the last week?
Everyday since 2002.

Do you think you would be a good parent?
I think I'd worry too much. I get it from my paranoid mom.

What about if you had a kid right now?
No...still have the maturity level of a teenager.

Who was the last person of the opposite sex you had a conversation with?
My mom.

What are you wearing on your feet?
Stinky socks.

Do you usually have weird dreams?
All the time.

What color is your keyboard?
Black.

Any fun plans for today?
Gonna play Tetris after I get out of the shower.

Is there a reason for your MySpace song?
Don't remember what song is playing on my page.

Will this weekend be a good one?
I hope so.

Have you ever been cheated on?
I better not, Gerlie!

Is anyone interested in you right now?
Too many to count. =)

Where does most of your family live?
The center of the world...LA.

Rent a movie or go to movies?
Go to.

Whats your hair look like today?
Black, short, wirey...oh...you're talking about the hair on my head. In that case, thinning.

Do you believe that any of your exes think about you?
N/A

What are your chances of getting with your crush?
N/A

Have you ever slept in a bed with the same sex?
Yes...I'm secure with my manhood.

Are you keeping a big secret right now?
Yes. It shall be revealed in a few days.

Do you own a strapless bra?
No...just a bro.

Who do you live with?
Allan.

Do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend?
A Gerliefriend.

If not, are you happy with being single?
N/A

Are your parents protective of you?
Not as much as they were with my siblings. But my mom is still freakin' paranoid.

What’s one action you do when you’re really nervous?
Stutter

Are you a good liar?
Nope.

How long were you with your last boyfriend/girlfriend?
Since September 2002.

Would you rather give up the computer or the TV?
TV...since I've discovered how to watch TV on my computer.

Do you lie about your age?
No.

What did you last cry over?
Probably a death.

What is your ring tone?
Runnin' by Pharcyde

Does the person you like know it?
Yes!

What did the last text message you received say?
"Yeah the rain's crazy. I'll probably be running last minute errands. Just call me." by Kimmy M.

BEING HOME

Thu, 18 Dec 2008 05:31:14 GMT

Another quarter of grad school gave me more reinforcement of a racialized view of the world. I was watching a show called "Art in the City," a show that takes a glimpse of the art scene in various cities in the US and Europe. Gerlie, George, and I happened to stumble on the LA episode of the show. The host reviewed protypical places such as the Getty and Disney Concert Hall as well as some not so well known art galleries in increasingly gentrified Culver City and Chinatown.

After the show ended, I made the argument that art is racialized, meaning that art that gets recognized and subsequently funded is more or less "white" art. Surprisingly, Gerlie and George accused me of being overly sensitive and too academic. WTF?!?!?! Have I been brainwashed?? I admit working closer with Moon has influenced my outlook of the world, but c'mon...the racism embedded in high-brow art could not be more obvious in this show. None of the artists featured in Chinatown were Chinese! Did I miss something here?

In other news, I attended the annual Simbang Gabi kick-off at the LA Cathedral. Over 4000 people in attendance! This year I sat adjacent to the choir to fully absorb the Filipino church tunes. To my surprise, the Philippine Chamber Singers of LA comprised the majority of the choir. Needless to say, I completely enjoyed their renditions of Kordero ng Dios, Allelujah, and my all-time favorite, Ang Pasko Ay Sumapit. Ah...Simbang Gabi. Nothing gives me more comfort during the holidays than attending Simbang Gabi and partaking in all its Filipino goodness.

Lastly, I've kept busy these past few days by visiting some of my favorite haunts with my good friends. I've ate like a pig, but it's totally worth it. Man...it's good to be home.

THE REEGSTA

Tue, 18 Nov 2008 20:43:00 GMT

One of my homies from SB, Regan, suggested I update this blog more. He's right, I should...but in the meantime, you should check out his blog: http://www.reegsta.com.

DECONSTRUCTING FILIPINO CLUBS

Mon, 27 Oct 2008 16:51:37 GMT

This past Saturday was the 23rd annual Friendship Games at Cal State Fullerton. If you don't have the attention span to view the video, Friendship Games is basically a huge event that gathers all the Filipino American collegiate organizations from all over California, and a few schools from Nevada and Arizona. In total, about 6000 people come to partake in friendly competition and showing school spirit. Imagine it as an uber-version of a high school pep rally for Filipinos.

Watching some youtube clips of this past year's Friendship Games reminded me of some very vivid memories of my time as a young college student...10 years ago. Damn...am I that old already?!?! I devoted a large part of my college life to Friendship Games and to my Filipino club at UCSB, Kapatirang Pilipino (KP). Yes, I was one of those die-hards that lived and breathed KP. My nickname was "KP Joe: Filipino American Hero. I volunteered for everything, was Co-Chair, PCN Coordinator, and P-Grad Coordinator, and painted my face during Friendship Games. I even shaved "KP" in my hair one year!

Anyway...back to the point of all this rambling. The normative Filipino American collegiate experience in California is largely shaped by one's involvement in these clubs, Friendship Games, Pilipino Cultural Nights (PCN), and to some extent Filipino sororities and fraternities...basically that entire scene. However, there are many critics that devalue the importance of this culture in combating white hegemony in America. They argue that it's nothing but a social scene with superficial tinges of cultural and political activism. They claim it as an extension of high school, with its popular cliques, tsismis, parties, and mini-prom at the end of the year. Damnit...many of those critics were the ones who shunned people like me when I tried to give them a flyer inviting them to the next club meeting! Oooh...that annoyed me. To them, these clubs represent stagnation and complacency in the Filipino American community.

And they're right! Most members of Filipino clubs rather look good and get some booty at a party than to organize a high school conference or attend a protest for immigrant rights. Students let PCN budgets reach tens of thousands of dollars, money that could be spent in more critical projects. Much of the cultural activities of Filipino clubs is completely based on essentialized, orientalized aspects of Philippine culture. That's why many of the "politicized" Filipino students began splinter organizations in the 1990s that focus on more progressive goals such as Filipino educational retention and justice in the Philippines. And other Filipino American students don't participate in ethnic-specific organizations at all.

I don't have a problem with dissenting groups nor disinterest students. I do, however, have a problem with people who simply dismiss the "social" scene as counter-productive or ill-functional and refuse to collaborate with the "mainstream" Filipino organizations. I truly believe that it serves an important purpose as a venue to foster the development of a Filipino American youth identity and culture. Many Filipinos enter college with little knowledge of their own heritage. For most, these organizations are their first exposure to Philippine/Filipino American culture or history (especially with the marginalization of Philippine and Filipino American Studies in Asian and Asian American Studies, respectively). It's not like their parents are teaching them Tagalog (or Ilocano, Bisaya, etc.) nor are they teaching them about Philip Vera Cruz, Tinikling, or the Katipunan. Thanks to our colonial legacy, these college organizations do in 4 years what other Asian/Ethnic institutions (language schools, ethnic enclaves, etc.) do in 20 years. You ever wonder why PCNs are always about "Finding your Filipino roots"? It's because our community constantly reproduces college students who ARE trying to find their roots. If Filipino immigrant parents, taught them this at an earlier age, do you think Filipino students would put on a damn 4-hour cultural show??

Yes, this scene promotes a normative Filipino American ideal, alienating those who do not conform to this "Fil Am culture." I also agree with critics that these organizations only scratch the surface of Filipino American politics, but don't you need to learn how to crawl before you walk? Likewise, these organizations attract more Filipino students than any other venue on college campuses (other than nursing programs, but that's a whole other story). Those more "political" or "academic" Filipino organizations only appeal to a selected few, garnering little to no political visibility and power on campus. And besides...these are college students, so a little booty shaking is only natural in their hormonal state.

Ultimately, I believe that Filipino American collegiate organizations can and should be changed to hold a more politicized stance. However, until we see a change from the larger Filipino American community where Filipino history and culture is taught at an earlier age, Friendship Games and PCNs are the only spaces we got. So, instead of simply dismissing these organizations all together, why not do what I tried to do with KP and transform the culture from within. And this goes for all Filipino organizations beyond the university...FANHS, FAN, SIPA, etc. Call me a reformist, but I just call it like I see it. After all, ethnic identity, according to the great Rick Bonus, is a form of resistance to normative whiteness.